CHRISTMAS ANGEL
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves out sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys all over the place.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Jokes
President" Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a arm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either".
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a arm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either".
1998 Subaru Legacy GTB
-
BaronVonChickenPants
- General Member
- Posts: 1187
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Nowra, NSW
Here's one for everyone that enjoy seeing stupid people get hurt
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Jordan
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Jordan
oh oooh yeh, that is the best fun I have had on the computer in ages.BaronVonChickenPants wrote:Here's one for everyone that enjoy seeing stupid people get hurt
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Jordan
Position In Life
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's
clear that they're trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the
others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly
honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't
have many material possessions. However, one thing I
can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries
can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying
to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you
about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my
folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's
not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number
fourteen has to stand on one leg.
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's
clear that they're trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the
others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly
honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't
have many material possessions. However, one thing I
can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries
can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying
to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you
about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my
folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's
not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number
fourteen has to stand on one leg.
Peter
-
BaronVonChickenPants
- General Member
- Posts: 1187
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Nowra, NSW
A woman was pulled over by a cop on a motorbike, he strolled over to her window, before he could say a word she asked;
"Are you going to give me tickets to the motorcycle officer's ball?"
To which he replied;
"Motorcycle officers don't have balls...."
after realising what he said he promptly walked back to his bike and left.
Jordan
"Are you going to give me tickets to the motorcycle officer's ball?"
To which he replied;
"Motorcycle officers don't have balls...."
after realising what he said he promptly walked back to his bike and left.
Jordan
To become old and wise, first you must survive being young and dumb.
Found this on cardomain with someonesimpreza thought it was funny
http://memimage.cardomain.net/member_im ... 7_full.jpg
http://memimage.cardomain.net/member_im ... 7_full.jpg
1999 Impreza RX
How do NewZealanders find thier sheep in the padock ?
Delightful
Delightful
MY05 GT-STI DCCD 6spd 13.88at98.7
88 FJ62 Cruiser-5.0ChevTPI TT,6psi,Hi6,044,Wolf3dV4,FMIC
88 FJ62 Cruiser-5.0ChevTPI TT,6psi,Hi6,044,Wolf3dV4,FMIC
-
BaronVonChickenPants
- General Member
- Posts: 1187
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Nowra, NSW
EMIGRATING TO AUSTRALIA
The diary of an English migrant that's only been here a short time. Oh and by the way - Queensland has long been described as known as 'Beautiful one Day, Perfect the next'. Obviously its not everyones cup of tea...
SEPTEMBER 1ST
Said goodbye to England a few weeks ago now and have been loving life in Brisbane! Now this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a deck chair on my veranda tonight, it was beautiful. I've finally found my home, I love it here.
SEPTEMBER 13TH
Really heating up now. Got to 32 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned house, drive an air conditioned car to an air conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
SEPTEMBER 30TH
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants. What a breeze to maintain. Another scorcher today but I love it here.
OCTOBER 10TH
It's not been below 30c all week. How do people get used to the heat? At least today was a bit windy but it's taking longer than I thought to adjust to the heat and humidity.
OCTOBER 15TH
Fell asleep by the pool and got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect a climate like this.
OCTOBER 20TH
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at lunch Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. Learned my lesson, no more pets in the heat.
OCTOBER 25TH
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer! It's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
OCTOBER 30TH
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
NOVEMBER 4TH
Its 35 degrees. Finally got the air con fixed today. It cost $500 to get the temperature down to 25, but this humidity make it fell like 30! Stupid repairman, I hate this stupid place.
NOVEMBER 8TH
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work my cars radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!!
NOVEMBER 9TH
Went out after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
NOVEMBER 10TH
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really 'warm up' next week. Doesn't it ever rain?
NOVEMBER 14TH
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 36 today. Now the air con has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said "hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of sick demented idiot would want to live here?
DECEMBER 1ST
WHAT??????? This is the first day of Summer?????? You are f***ing kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!
The diary of an English migrant that's only been here a short time. Oh and by the way - Queensland has long been described as known as 'Beautiful one Day, Perfect the next'. Obviously its not everyones cup of tea...
SEPTEMBER 1ST
Said goodbye to England a few weeks ago now and have been loving life in Brisbane! Now this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a deck chair on my veranda tonight, it was beautiful. I've finally found my home, I love it here.
SEPTEMBER 13TH
Really heating up now. Got to 32 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned house, drive an air conditioned car to an air conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
SEPTEMBER 30TH
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants. What a breeze to maintain. Another scorcher today but I love it here.
OCTOBER 10TH
It's not been below 30c all week. How do people get used to the heat? At least today was a bit windy but it's taking longer than I thought to adjust to the heat and humidity.
OCTOBER 15TH
Fell asleep by the pool and got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect a climate like this.
OCTOBER 20TH
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at lunch Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. Learned my lesson, no more pets in the heat.
OCTOBER 25TH
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer! It's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
OCTOBER 30TH
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
NOVEMBER 4TH
Its 35 degrees. Finally got the air con fixed today. It cost $500 to get the temperature down to 25, but this humidity make it fell like 30! Stupid repairman, I hate this stupid place.
NOVEMBER 8TH
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work my cars radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!!
NOVEMBER 9TH
Went out after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
NOVEMBER 10TH
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really 'warm up' next week. Doesn't it ever rain?
NOVEMBER 14TH
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 36 today. Now the air con has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said "hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of sick demented idiot would want to live here?
DECEMBER 1ST
WHAT??????? This is the first day of Summer?????? You are f***ing kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!
To become old and wise, first you must survive being young and dumb.