Jokes
- phillatdarwin
- Junior Member
- Posts: 532
- Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:11 pm
- Location: 93GL / 86rx ea82t Darwin NT
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
See if I can remember this:-
I young fella is working at Woollies in the fresh fruit and veg section. He's only about 16 and looks pretty young.
An old gentleman comes up to him and says,"I would like to buy half a lettuce please"
The young bloke says," I don't think we sell half a lettuce, never heard of it before."
The old bloke starts to get grumpy," I live on my own and can't eat a full one. I just want a half. This is a shop. You should look after me and sell me what I want."
The young lad says,"Hang on, I'll check in the back of the store" and walks through the plastic doors into the rear of the fruit and veg section where his manager is. He does not know that the old man has followed him and is standing behind him.
"There's a grumpy old shit out there who's wants a half a head of lettuce. Talk about a tight arse." His boss is waving his hands about and drawing his finger across his throat trying to get the young bloke to shut up. The young fella realises now that the old guy is right behind him listening so without faltering continues"So I'm gonna cut one in half and this nice gentleman has said that he'll take the other half. Isn't that good of him."
Afterwards the manager says to the lad,"You know, you think pretty quick on your feet. Not many would. Your young years don't show how clever you really are."
Well said the boy,"Despite my age, I've spent a lot of time overseas. You need to think fast. You know, I spent a lot of time in New Zealand. Half of them are f'wits and the other half play football."
The manager now looks angry and gritting his teeth says,"I'll have you know that my wife is from new Zealand"
The lad doesn't miss a beat,"Oh. that so?" he says" "Which team did she play for."
I young fella is working at Woollies in the fresh fruit and veg section. He's only about 16 and looks pretty young.
An old gentleman comes up to him and says,"I would like to buy half a lettuce please"
The young bloke says," I don't think we sell half a lettuce, never heard of it before."
The old bloke starts to get grumpy," I live on my own and can't eat a full one. I just want a half. This is a shop. You should look after me and sell me what I want."
The young lad says,"Hang on, I'll check in the back of the store" and walks through the plastic doors into the rear of the fruit and veg section where his manager is. He does not know that the old man has followed him and is standing behind him.
"There's a grumpy old shit out there who's wants a half a head of lettuce. Talk about a tight arse." His boss is waving his hands about and drawing his finger across his throat trying to get the young bloke to shut up. The young fella realises now that the old guy is right behind him listening so without faltering continues"So I'm gonna cut one in half and this nice gentleman has said that he'll take the other half. Isn't that good of him."
Afterwards the manager says to the lad,"You know, you think pretty quick on your feet. Not many would. Your young years don't show how clever you really are."
Well said the boy,"Despite my age, I've spent a lot of time overseas. You need to think fast. You know, I spent a lot of time in New Zealand. Half of them are f'wits and the other half play football."
The manager now looks angry and gritting his teeth says,"I'll have you know that my wife is from new Zealand"
The lad doesn't miss a beat,"Oh. that so?" he says" "Which team did she play for."
- Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
Righto all you game players..here is the Tiger Woods video game.
Go to the link...click on play and use your up/down arrows to help Tiger drive away from his missus chasing him with a golf club. Avoid obstacles on the way.
http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
Go to the link...click on play and use your up/down arrows to help Tiger drive away from his missus chasing him with a golf club. Avoid obstacles on the way.
http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
We've had a big drought in Toowoomba and water restrictions are tight. We've had to learn to wash our cars with only one bucket of water shown below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LEwwd76 ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LEwwd76 ... re=related
- Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
A blonde woman calls her boyfriend on the phone. She is having trouble doing a jigsaw puzzle, Whats it of, says the boyfriend. A chook, you know a rooster, I can't get started on it.
Hang on, I'll come over and help. He arrives and has a look at all the pieces on the table.
Then he says, Come on, I'll help you put all these cornflakes back in the box.
Hang on, I'll come over and help. He arrives and has a look at all the pieces on the table.
Then he says, Come on, I'll help you put all these cornflakes back in the box.
1989 Subaru Brumby - EA82T 5speed box. 4wheel disc, electric Windows plus other goodies.
Future Plans- Seat upgrade and Possible EJ20T implant.
Daily Driver Stock 1991 Brumby.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Future Plans- Seat upgrade and Possible EJ20T implant.
Daily Driver Stock 1991 Brumby.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
- phillatdarwin
- Junior Member
- Posts: 532
- Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:11 pm
- Location: 93GL / 86rx ea82t Darwin NT
bump!
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's witness and a bikie?
someone who knocks on your front door and tells YOU to **** off!
___________
Jewish dilemma? Half price bacon .......................
___________
alex
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's witness and a bikie?
someone who knocks on your front door and tells YOU to **** off!
___________
Jewish dilemma? Half price bacon .......................
___________
alex
my07 Outback
my13 Hyundai i45(shhhh)
my02 Gen3 Liberty limited ed.
previously
L-series wagon, LSD, EJ20turbo, 29in tyres, 'wanky wagon'
2000 gen3 outback, lifted, otherwise stock.
my13 Hyundai i45(shhhh)
my02 Gen3 Liberty limited ed.
previously
L-series wagon, LSD, EJ20turbo, 29in tyres, 'wanky wagon'
2000 gen3 outback, lifted, otherwise stock.
A...l...m...o...s...t M...a...r...r...i...e...d
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
First guy asks the second guy,How have things been going?
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.
The first guy says in amazement, Hey, you don't stutter any more.
The answer comes, Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y
I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d
t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r
t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,
s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d
t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h.r..e..w t..h..e r..i...n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.
Why should she throw the ring in your face for that? asks the first friend.
W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s!
First guy asks the second guy,How have things been going?
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.
The first guy says in amazement, Hey, you don't stutter any more.
The answer comes, Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y
I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d
t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r
t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,
s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d
t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h.r..e..w t..h..e r..i...n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.
Why should she throw the ring in your face for that? asks the first friend.
W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s!
Peter
hahahhaa. funny ****, quote errors made it a bit hard to read but, i enjoyed it
davo
davo
no more subarus
[/SIZE] [/color][/B][/color][/SIZE][/color]http://community.webshots.com/user/D3V1L9
[/SIZE] [/color][/B][/color][/SIZE][/color]http://community.webshots.com/user/D3V1L9
Aussie Poem
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!