Jokes

Go wild here with what ever takes your fancy ...
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Outback bloke
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Post by Outback bloke » Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:23 pm

Two hunters are out in the bush when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his mobile phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

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Subyroo
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Post by Subyroo » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:36 pm

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.

She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"


:-D :-D :-D :-D
Peter

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Kappage
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Post by Kappage » Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:29 pm

yea i got that one in an email recently!

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Subyroo
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Post by Subyroo » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:50 am

Kappage wrote:yea i got that one in an email recently!
Your not on my mailing list. :wink: :wink:

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Peter

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rtcb65
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Post by rtcb65 » Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:12 pm

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size14-16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine.

3 Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba: Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."


Cooter
rtcb65
------------------
Redneck Rick.

1997 Gen 3 outback. GT forester wheels . Hopefully more changes to come. Proud Supporter And User of -----------C R O S S B R E D --- P E R F O R M A N C E ---- Products


[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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Outback bloke
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Post by Outback bloke » Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:00 pm

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'



He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Thu Mar 12, 2009 10:57 pm

A new manager arrives at a company determined to make a success and leave his mark. He will be ruthless. Cutbacks are necessary.

He walks down onto the shop floor amid the blue collar employees and see a bloke leaning against a wall.

"Here you!" he shouts. "How much do you get paid a week"

"400 bucks" was the reply.

The new manager reaches into his crisp white pressed shirt and brings out a wad of cash and peels of $1600 in new pressed notes, hands it to the fellow and says, "Here's a months pay, now you can piss off and don't come back."

The guy takes the money and goes.

The new manager feels pleased with himself feeling that he has made the necessary first impression on the workers. He swaggers over to them and they watch him in silence.

"So, what job did he used to do here?" he asks the crowd of workers who were eyeing him off.

"None" said one, "He's the pizza delivery guy. He just brought me my lunch."

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steptoe
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Post by steptoe » Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:19 pm

What is the quickest way to kill a city teenager ? Employ one !!

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Gannon
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Post by Gannon » Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:30 pm

Banking crisis - a word of caution!!!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.
Current rides: 2016 Mitsubishi Triton GLS & 2004 Forester X
Ongoing Project/Toy: 1987 RX Turbo EA82T, Speeduino ECU, Coil-pack ignition, 440cc Injectors, KONI adjustale front struts, Hybrid L Series/ Liberty AWD 5sp
Past rides: 92 L series turbo converted wagon, 83 Leone GL Sedan, 2004 Liberty GT Sedan & 2001 Outback
------------------------------------------

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rob83ke70
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Post by rob83ke70 » Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:53 am

Got this one of rove last night.

There was an inflatable boy, who had an inflatable mum and dad, they lived in an inflatable house, all the furniture was inflatable. He went to an inflatable school, where all the students were inflatable, the classrooms were inflatable, the teachers were inflatable. He even had an inflatable dog.

One day, he got in trouble for bringing a pin to school. The principal said to him, "You've let me down, your teachers down, your friends down, your parents down, and yourself down..."

Robert.

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Mr Top Hat
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Post by Mr Top Hat » Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:04 am

if you have one bucket witch holds 2 gallons
and another bucket that holds 5 gallons

how many buckets do you have?

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chubby37
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Post by chubby37 » Sat Apr 18, 2009 7:37 pm

Lecture on Supernatural...

A professor at the University of queensland is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."

"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The kiwi student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
ImageImage

life is like a game of cricket...at some time you will get hit in the nuts

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Kappage
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Post by Kappage » Sat Apr 18, 2009 8:07 pm

Walk in fridge
[youtube]yIutgtzwhAc[/youtube]

Or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIutgtzwhAc

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chubby37
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Post by chubby37 » Sun Apr 26, 2009 12:58 pm

People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
ImageImage

life is like a game of cricket...at some time you will get hit in the nuts

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steptoe
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Post by steptoe » Sat Oct 17, 2009 11:33 am

Drink Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant. Only an Aussie could pull this one off. A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. (yeah right, but a good story !!)
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
C'mon Aussie C'mon C'mon !!.

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daza
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Important OH&S Notification to All staff - Avoid sun exposure...

Post by daza » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:45 pm

Image

Daza.
:p
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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phillatdarwin
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Post by phillatdarwin » Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:24 pm

daza wrote:Image

Daza.
:p
is that what u do when it is to hot in the sun at lunch time .
i will have to remeber that one next time there is no shard around .

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Sat Oct 24, 2009 3:32 pm

Council Road Crew

[ATTACH]1680[/ATTACH]

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Sat Oct 24, 2009 3:52 pm

See if I can remember this:-

I young fella is working at Woollies in the fresh fruit and veg section. He's only about 16 and looks pretty young.

An old gentleman comes up to him and says,"I would like to buy half a lettuce please"

The young bloke says," I don't think we sell half a lettuce, never heard of it before."

The old bloke starts to get grumpy," I live on my own and can't eat a full one. I just want a half. This is a shop. You should look after me and sell me what I want."

The young lad says,"Hang on, I'll check in the back of the store" and walks through the plastic doors into the rear of the fruit and veg section where his manager is. He does not know that the old man has followed him and is standing behind him.

"There's a grumpy old shit out there who's wants a half a head of lettuce. Talk about a tight arse." His boss is waving his hands about and drawing his finger across his throat trying to get the young bloke to shut up. The young fella realises now that the old guy is right behind him listening so without faltering continues"So I'm gonna cut one in half and this nice gentleman has said that he'll take the other half. Isn't that good of him."

Afterwards the manager says to the lad,"You know, you think pretty quick on your feet. Not many would. Your young years don't show how clever you really are."

Well said the boy,"Despite my age, I've spent a lot of time overseas. You need to think fast. You know, I spent a lot of time in New Zealand. Half of them are f'wits and the other half play football."

The manager now looks angry and gritting his teeth says,"I'll have you know that my wife is from new Zealand"

The lad doesn't miss a beat,"Oh. that so?" he says" "Which team did she play for."

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Outback bloke
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Post by Outback bloke » Fri Dec 18, 2009 7:55 am

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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