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A bra and a set of jumperleads walk into a bar. The bra goes up to the the bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "I cant serve you and your mate."
The bra asks "why not?"
The barman says "well your off ya tits and your mates about to start something."

A man walks into a doctors surgery. The doctor takes one look and says "you've got a steering wheel poking out of your pants" and the man says "I know its driving me nuts!"

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances

up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she

is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation

washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager

to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's

the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and

she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his

outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this

convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular

myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are

the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who

is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French

men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she

says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your

name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

A Train is winding its way through the hills of europe. In a cabin, there sits an Australian bloke, A Kiwi fella, an old maid, and a beautiful young swiss girl.

The train goes through a dark tunnel and a loud slap is heard. When they come out of the tunnel, every one is sitting quiet and the kiwi has got a beautiful shiner.

The old maid thinks,"That kiwi boy has had a go at the swiss girl and she has slapped him."

The swiss girl thinks,"That kiwi boy has had a go for me, missed and touched the old lady and she has slapped him."

The kiwi thinks,"That aussie has had a go for the swiss girl and she has thought it was me and I've copped one"

The Aussie thinks,"Can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that kiwi again.!"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met

by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the

butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both quickly
result in death.

>A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
>been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
>
>"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
>
>His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
>stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, "I do not have a
>headache"
>"I do not have a headache" "I do not have a headache"
>
>Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
>
>"Well, that is wonderful" proclaims the husband.
>
>His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
>in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist
>and see if he can do anything for that?"
>
>Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
>
>Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
>picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
>bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
>
>He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
>into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
>
>His wife says, "WOW! - that was wonderful!"
>
>The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
>
>He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
>than the first time.
>
>The wife sits up and her head is spinning "OH MY GOD" she proclaims.
>
>Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
>
>With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
>
>This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
>sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....
>
>"She's not my wife". "She's not my wife". "She's not my wife".
>
>His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

A mum visits her son and finds he has a flat mate, a beautiful young lass.
"Whats the go here?" she asks..
"Its nothing mum, not like you think, we are just good friends and share a flat. That's it."

Sometime after mum leaves, the girl goes up to him and says,"Do you know that I havn't been able to find the frying pan since your mother was here, she must have stolen it.!"

"Nah," he says, "she wouldn't do that"..."What would she want with a bloody frying pan.?"

He rings her anyway and says, "Look mum, I know you're not a thief, but since you were here, Chris and I can't find the frying pan."

Mum says, "Look son, I know you're not shacking up either and if you weren't, you would have found the frying pan in Chris's bed!!"

No more jokes???

Musicians Joke...

Difference between guitarist and a pizza?

Pizza can feed a family of four...


ok ok try this one..

Guitarist dies and goes to hell...he meets all the top guns in Hell...Jimmi hendrix...Stevie Ray Vaughn...and so forth and they are all sittin around jammin and drinking coffee...

He says..this is great!! what more could you ask for...playing with the greats and nice hot coffee too...he says to Hendrix..."what's hell about this.."

Hendrix replies, "Karen Carpenters on the drums" bom bom

(Thank you Thankyou..you've all been great, I'm here every Thursday, try the veal) lol

two guys walk into a bar.............................the third guy walks AROUND it...

roflmao!...ridiculously sad i know!

alex

3 guys walk into a bar and they are all happy and excited yelling out "YEAH, we got it done in a 138 days!! wooo!!" and the guys say, "Drinks are on us" so out of curiousity the bartender asks "Why are you so happy and what did you do in 138 days that is amazing?" and the 3 guys reply, "Well, we got this here puzzle done in 138 days when on the side of the box it says '3-5 years'....^^

also pretty sad but meh not as bad as Alexs

hahaha i'm gonna use that one

what do you call a donkey with only three legs...

..a wonkey!! (Insert funny voice on wonkey - makes the joke funny then)

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions e.g. fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing?

You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair

Whats Round, Black and F**k's goanna's?


Olympic Steel Radials

Guy goes into the doctor and says,"Me and the wife just can't get it on..I've lost the urge...I'm done for."

Doctor gives him some tablets and says,"Take these during a meal, and when the urge comes, don't wait, don't hold back, just get into it with all the power and passion."

So the guy comes back a week later and says,"Doc, you're the best. I did what you told me. We were having tea and I popped a couple of tablets. The urge come and I drew my hand across the table sending everything to the floor. I ripped off her clothes,threw her up onto the table and made love with unbridled passion, the noise was unbelievable."

Doctor says, "So you're very happy"

"Yes", said the guy, "Extremely pleased with myself" "But we've been banned from MacDonalds for life"

(Now where's that can of bundy rum and I'll think of a few more)

Whats a 9v battery and a woman's arse have in common?

Even though you know it's wrong, you'll one day touch it with your tounge.

The rules


If you are going to live or visit any place west of Toowoomba, you need to know these rules:

1. That farm boy you see at the petrol station did MORE work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "dirt road." No matter how slow you drive,you're going to get dust on your BMW. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the colour, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started shooting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Babe. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Fishing Rod. Don't cry to us if a Yellowbelly breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
Little trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that mobile phone rings while the State of Origin is on the T.V., we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the ham .

9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

10. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar harvester that we only use two weeks a year.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one set of lights in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. We don't do "hurry up" well.

13. Yeah, we eat catfish, yellowbelly, silver perch and lobbies. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it -- Pig farms -- income -- money? Get over it. Don't like the smell? Warrego Hiighway goes two ways . Pick one.

15.So every person in every Ute waves? Yeah, it's called being Friendly. Understand the concept?

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the crocs...and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called taipans, and they're not Netball players.

17. That Copper that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

18. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Beamer under them, and they'll leave a logo on your bonnet.

19. You burn an Australian flag in our shire, you get beat up. No questions. The Council has enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

20. No, we don't care how you do things in New Zealand or down south. If it is so great, why not stay there?

21. And no, out here we don't have an accent, you do.

Guy goes to church and the fat woman in the pew in front stands up to sing and has her dress jammed in the crack of her arse. He reaches over and pulls it out for her. she turns around and whack, he cops one in the face.

Next week he comes out of church with another shiner...

"What happened to you?" says his mate

Well last week this lady had her dress jammed in her arse and I pulled it out for her. I stood behind her again today and it was flappin about. I remembered that she didn't like it like that, so I grabbed her dress and jammed it back into her butt again.

4xsama wrote:Whats a 9v battery and a woman's arse have in common?

Even though you know it's wrong, you'll one day touch it with your tounge.

HAHAHAHAHA
Its called umor...