Post
by Wilbur » Thu Nov 01, 2007 3:00 pm
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on an assailant.
The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun
--adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a
batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and I'd know it was working. Awesome! !!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am I wrong?? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your a ssailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to
one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be foun d, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-BITCH... that hurt
like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
