if you have one bucket witch holds 2 gallons
and another bucket that holds 5 gallons
how many buckets do you have?
Jokes
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chubby37
- General Member
- Posts: 1057
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: IN HELL!!!or known as ipswich
Lecture on Supernatural...
A professor at the University of queensland is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The kiwi student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
A professor at the University of queensland is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The kiwi student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
life is like a game of cricket...at some time you will get hit in the nuts
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chubby37
- General Member
- Posts: 1057
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: IN HELL!!!or known as ipswich
People in the airline industry aren't all serious...
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
life is like a game of cricket...at some time you will get hit in the nuts
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steptoe
- Master Member
- Posts: 11582
- Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: 14 miles outside Gotham City
Drink Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant. Only an Aussie could pull this one off. A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. (yeah right, but a good story !!)
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
C'mon Aussie C'mon C'mon !!.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
C'mon Aussie C'mon C'mon !!.
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phillatdarwin
- Junior Member
- Posts: 532
- Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:11 pm
- Location: 93GL / 86rx ea82t Darwin NT
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
See if I can remember this:-
I young fella is working at Woollies in the fresh fruit and veg section. He's only about 16 and looks pretty young.
An old gentleman comes up to him and says,"I would like to buy half a lettuce please"
The young bloke says," I don't think we sell half a lettuce, never heard of it before."
The old bloke starts to get grumpy," I live on my own and can't eat a full one. I just want a half. This is a shop. You should look after me and sell me what I want."
The young lad says,"Hang on, I'll check in the back of the store" and walks through the plastic doors into the rear of the fruit and veg section where his manager is. He does not know that the old man has followed him and is standing behind him.
"There's a grumpy old shit out there who's wants a half a head of lettuce. Talk about a tight arse." His boss is waving his hands about and drawing his finger across his throat trying to get the young bloke to shut up. The young fella realises now that the old guy is right behind him listening so without faltering continues"So I'm gonna cut one in half and this nice gentleman has said that he'll take the other half. Isn't that good of him."
Afterwards the manager says to the lad,"You know, you think pretty quick on your feet. Not many would. Your young years don't show how clever you really are."
Well said the boy,"Despite my age, I've spent a lot of time overseas. You need to think fast. You know, I spent a lot of time in New Zealand. Half of them are f'wits and the other half play football."
The manager now looks angry and gritting his teeth says,"I'll have you know that my wife is from new Zealand"
The lad doesn't miss a beat,"Oh. that so?" he says" "Which team did she play for."
I young fella is working at Woollies in the fresh fruit and veg section. He's only about 16 and looks pretty young.
An old gentleman comes up to him and says,"I would like to buy half a lettuce please"
The young bloke says," I don't think we sell half a lettuce, never heard of it before."
The old bloke starts to get grumpy," I live on my own and can't eat a full one. I just want a half. This is a shop. You should look after me and sell me what I want."
The young lad says,"Hang on, I'll check in the back of the store" and walks through the plastic doors into the rear of the fruit and veg section where his manager is. He does not know that the old man has followed him and is standing behind him.
"There's a grumpy old shit out there who's wants a half a head of lettuce. Talk about a tight arse." His boss is waving his hands about and drawing his finger across his throat trying to get the young bloke to shut up. The young fella realises now that the old guy is right behind him listening so without faltering continues"So I'm gonna cut one in half and this nice gentleman has said that he'll take the other half. Isn't that good of him."
Afterwards the manager says to the lad,"You know, you think pretty quick on your feet. Not many would. Your young years don't show how clever you really are."
Well said the boy,"Despite my age, I've spent a lot of time overseas. You need to think fast. You know, I spent a lot of time in New Zealand. Half of them are f'wits and the other half play football."
The manager now looks angry and gritting his teeth says,"I'll have you know that my wife is from new Zealand"
The lad doesn't miss a beat,"Oh. that so?" he says" "Which team did she play for."
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Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
Righto all you game players..here is the Tiger Woods video game.
Go to the link...click on play and use your up/down arrows to help Tiger drive away from his missus chasing him with a golf club. Avoid obstacles on the way.
http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
Go to the link...click on play and use your up/down arrows to help Tiger drive away from his missus chasing him with a golf club. Avoid obstacles on the way.
http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
We've had a big drought in Toowoomba and water restrictions are tight. We've had to learn to wash our cars with only one bucket of water shown below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LEwwd76 ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LEwwd76 ... re=related
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Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
A blonde woman calls her boyfriend on the phone. She is having trouble doing a jigsaw puzzle, Whats it of, says the boyfriend. A chook, you know a rooster, I can't get started on it.
Hang on, I'll come over and help. He arrives and has a look at all the pieces on the table.
Then he says, Come on, I'll help you put all these cornflakes back in the box.
Hang on, I'll come over and help. He arrives and has a look at all the pieces on the table.
Then he says, Come on, I'll help you put all these cornflakes back in the box.
1989 Subaru Brumby - EA82T 5speed box. 4wheel disc, electric Windows plus other goodies.
Future Plans- Seat upgrade and Possible EJ20T implant.
Daily Driver Stock 1991 Brumby.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Future Plans- Seat upgrade and Possible EJ20T implant.
Daily Driver Stock 1991 Brumby.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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phillatdarwin
- Junior Member
- Posts: 532
- Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:11 pm
- Location: 93GL / 86rx ea82t Darwin NT
bump!
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's witness and a bikie?
someone who knocks on your front door and tells YOU to **** off!
___________
Jewish dilemma? Half price bacon .......................
___________
alex
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's witness and a bikie?
someone who knocks on your front door and tells YOU to **** off!
___________
Jewish dilemma? Half price bacon .......................
___________
alex
my07 Outback
my13 Hyundai i45(shhhh)
my02 Gen3 Liberty limited ed.
previously
L-series wagon, LSD, EJ20turbo, 29in tyres, 'wanky wagon'
2000 gen3 outback, lifted, otherwise stock.
my13 Hyundai i45(shhhh)
my02 Gen3 Liberty limited ed.
previously
L-series wagon, LSD, EJ20turbo, 29in tyres, 'wanky wagon'
2000 gen3 outback, lifted, otherwise stock.